Archive for January, 2008

Forgiveness

Friday, January 18th, 2008

When I woke up this morning, I had Jeff Volmrich’s name pounding inside my head. He was in my high school class and I haven’t given him a second thought since . 25 years is a long time. I found it quite disturbing that I was thinking of him so strongly. As I sat doing my morning knitting meditation, I kept him in the forefront of my thoughts. When I rise thinking so strongly of a particular person, there is usually a readily apparent reason with which I can easily connect. Not so today. Here it is about eight hours later, and I have yet to shake him from the tree, but I decided this morning to let him linger as long as he likes, but that I would lose the disturbing nature of his presence. Deciding to not be disturbed was one thing. Accomplishing not being disturbed could be quite another. How would I make this happen?I decided to forgive him.Jeff wasn’t the meanest of my high school tormenters. That was Lori Staats. I’ll forgive her, too, while I am at it. Jeff, even though more of a leader, when it came to tormenting me, he was definitely more of a follower. The only brilliance he can claim as his own is taking “Maxine the beauty queen,” always said full of taunting malice, and giving it a French spin. “La beauty reine” didn’t have quite the same sting, and the whole thing sort of lost its mojo in the process. Beyond this, the details of his relentless teasing really don’t matter. I offer up a blanket of forgiveness to Jeff.

The high school girls are another matter entirely. Their collective teasing verged toward cruelty. Lori, MaryJane, Brooke, Lisa, Louise, I forgive you all. Yes, Louise Panzer, even you. What the others might have had in quantity, you bore forth consistently meaner on each consecutive day of four years of high school. I forgive you.

I forgive Duffer for not believing me when his best friend David said he had had me (he most assuredly did not have me, eww gross), though that was actually a good thing because it actually pushed me into getting out of a relationship that was going nowhere. It sort of forced a little backbone on me. I hadn’t realized I needed to forgive him until I started this post and I left him nearly 23 years ago. That’s a long time to be holding back forgiveness, albeit unintentionally.

Let me back up while I am at it and forgive Michael and Marc for their casual treatment of me. They were young men not knowing any better how to treat an equally young woman, and I wish them well. I hope they are as happy with their lives as I am with mine.

Who else…let’s go to my 20s, post Duffer. Kathy, I forgive you for picking Sheila over me, or feeling you had to choose at all. Your choice makes a certain sense given that I picked up and moved away. And Sheila, I forgive you for never even asking me if I slept with your husband. I didn’t. And Val, of that grouped scenario, you are the hardest to forgive. I have an entire page from our senior yearbook that I just wanted to fax to you to remind you where you came from. I forgive you all and remove my veil of mourning our lost friendships all around.

I guess that brings me to Virginia. I have been putting off finishing this post because I haven’t yet felt ready to forgive you, Steven. Your crime? When I pushed you away so hard because I had miscarried my (our) third child at six months and was pseudo psycho, in need of medication if not hospitalization, you went. I never in my consciousness surrounding pushing dreamed you would go. Ever. You were devoted. And then you weren’t. You adored me.  And then you didn’t. I forgive you.

Maybe this conclusion is why I woke with Jeff Volmrich pounding in my head.