Archive for May, 2009

The roller coaster of missing…

Friday, May 22nd, 2009

Driving home from work yesterday, early, I had a pang of missing my best friend Kim. At least I think it was Kim. I was thinking about her and then I had this sharp emotional pang wash over me. The past week or so, I have been crying at the drop of a hat over nothing.I left work early because as I was working, tears were welling up in my eyes and blurring my vision and I ‘m just not into work enough to sit at my desk with tears rolling down my cheeks. That tears came over thinking about missing Kim was really no surprise. Of course then I started thinking about other people I was or might be missing.

My dad was next on my list and that did nothing to slow my tears. It’s a few weeks until the first anniversary of his death and I have yet to really cry for him. I know he had a long and full life, and I certainly miss him, but I just haven’t shed those tears. Yet. Maybe that is what this emotional movie I am surfing through is all about.

I then went to missing Connor. He didn’t visit this past year for xmas because we had just been together in June (for my dad’s funeral) and he wanted to come instead for spring break. Then he got into some trouble at school and couldn’t come for spring break, but that wasn’t too much an issue because I thought I would be seeing him in June for his graduation.Do I need to tell you he might not be graduating and he has been out of touch about it? His absence on the phone leads me to believe he isn’t graduation, but now too much time has gone by and I won’t be able to get an affordable ticket, so I have had to make the decision that whether he is graduating or not, I won’t be going. I hate that this has to be a lesson for him in consequences (if he does graduate and his Mamaa isn’t there it’s no-one’s fault but his own), but there it is. Even though it would be next to impossible to live with him again, I still miss him.

I decided to go to knit night at Knitting in the Loop as a therapy of sorts. While I was sitting there it occurred to me that it is the 14th anniversary of my miscarriage. It’s been several years since this has received more than a passing thought, but there was a time when the grief of it was debilitating. I don’t want to ever go there again, but it occured to me while I was sitting with the knitters that I miss the daughter I never knew.

There is a flock of friends old and new I miss, and I won’t list them out for fear of not including someone, but I think you all know who you are. It has to be enough that we have the internet to maintain some modicum of contact that is indeed sustaining, but not enough. I miss the joy of the purely physical contact of a long warm embrace. I want a year off work, paid of course, in which to visit each and every one of you all around the world.

I have to get my ass in gear and write a proposal for an artist’s grant of studio space with a local gallery. It’s due next Friday and I have seriously been procrastinating. I have been ruminating, deeply stuck in thought about this, so not really procrastinating at all. I think my focus is almost clear. I want to do something with my dad’s pics from the 50s, that much I know for sure. I think a variety of things might be the only way to conceptualize it. One of my working theories is that all the women in these photographs, and there are a lot of them, are all lesbians. Who’s to dispute this? I might theme it somehow around missng my dad and getting to know this part of him, his life before he met and married my mom. My dad, the ladies man, friend to lesbians far and wide. That just broke through the threatening tears and cracked me up. I might be on to something.

Life is good and the emotional ride is somehow a reminder of that. That my teary sadness comes and goes at will and isn’t attached to something of consequence is a little piece of this grace I want to be cultivating. I can go on in the missing knowing it’s because my heart is so full.